You can make shit fertiliser. October 29, 2009

Today was a fairly…unpleasant/ pleasant day. My mood was tumbling up and down and up and down.

it is really not nice to note that half the plans you had for the future were ruined. In your own hands. Well, i realised that i was not eligible the many programs which i wanted to take part in. Most of all because i had screwed my end of yers and didnt manage to reach (or so i thought) the passing mark. I brooded over it throughout the lunch break, while eating my chocolate pancake. I totally felt like indulging. And annette, with her keen sense of observnce and sensitivity, realised that i had something wrong. She asked me why i was so quiet and i said i had alot of things in my mind. And she said ooooooo. Just like annette. I felt a bubble of laughter despite my mood.

But i decided to share my thoughts after a while, and i told them( Yi hao, amanda tang, annette) all about how i felt so lousy for not being able to reach my own expectations. it was really terrible, and although i was no where near crying, i really felt lousy and well, bad.

Then Yi Hao said the Yi Hao way, ” Haiya don’t worry so much. You’re only fourteen!” And it hit me like a pang. It REMINDED me that i WAS only fourteen. Believe it or not, I totally felt like a 90 year old teenager. And annette said, ” Yah, you still have so many opportunities to come!” And another pang. It REMINDED me AGAIN that i really had alot of other opportunities to come and i was wasting my time brooding over it. And while all this was going through my head, annette said, ” When Life throws shit at you, you make it into fertiliser”. And that brightened up my mood considerably. I realised what anntte said was realy true. I needed to get out of this. Even if i cannot get in, so what? So what if i didn’t have as many awards as the others?

And even though i still feel a tinge bit of dissapointment at myself, and how i am going to pull it through, i felt that all i needed to do, is work harder. There will be light, it is just whether i see it or not. So we started making really funny jokes like, Amanda Tang said ”When you get an egg, make it into a chicken”. Annette said that eggs were good and i said they weren’t when you got it for your results and we satrted laughing all over again. Yi Hao said somethng about milk which i cant really remember but then annette said, while laughing!, ( i can never muster that) ” When you spilled milk, make it into evaporated milk!” and that really set me laughing. Haha. I had a great time in the canteen with them. Can’t thank them enough for giving so much good advice too.=)

But just to note, I DID hit the passing mark to be eligible to apply for MST. And now i know if i didn’t get in, it wsn’t because i was lousy. And further more, i can always use the time to do something better and more meaningful=)

P.S.and i remember again turner’s words in ” The secrt diaries of miss miranda cheevr”.

Resolution Resolved October 19, 2009

I thanked fervently that just another three more papers would mark my end to all these mugging. (Indeed, studying is the root of all torture for students, maybe just not the only one for me) Geography, Science and Math. My three best subjects.

But I would say how things had been going isn’t exactly how i would have expected it to turn out. My La paper, i thought was done relatively fine, Chinese paper there is not much to talk about. History …at least i only missed out my last paragraph for my last essay and Math, ah that one is the reason for my worries.

I sort of screwed it up. And i dont feel accomplished after doing the paper. Normally i would be quite confident about my math but this round as quite terrifying. The paper was difficult many would/ had say/said.  I agree bit at the same time, i lacked preparedness. I had already found out some of the problems in the places where i would lose my marks and i hate to say but most of them are careless mistakes. Or rather, ALL of them are careless mistakes. Instead of cubing, i squared and i damn had the formula in my brain. Instead of 36, i wrote 30 and it didn’t even need common sense to know what 6^2 is. Honestly, i cant get myself.

I have decided to give up my dream to be a Personal Assistant. 1. It would be silly to get some high degree and work for someone else who has even lower qualifications than i do 2. it would be a waste to study so much and do a job that dont need brains 3. Being a personal assistant needs you to be highly meticulous and although i admit i am quite meticulous i also admit i am not highly meticulous. * I loset my ez-link card the other day.

So i dont know how to feel since i am back on to the ground after clinging on so dearly to a rope of my dreams. Now i am again trying to find an identity. I hate feeling lost without an aim. I am in a crisis. Coincidentally i read an aritcle about being in a crisis yesterday. Briefly it said:

When you are in a crisis, you have to:

1. Acknowledge tat you are in a crisis (already done, see above)

2. Explore your options (trying to just that i have no idea what my options are)

3. Act on your decisions. ( I havent decided yet)

Haha. Life is mocking me. I can hear his laughter.

Oh and i am still trying to go on diet. I am quite sure i grew fat in the past few weeks because i havent took time out to exercise. Sighs the tought of going back to my old self scares me.

I have been abstaining from chocolates sweets and soft drinks and still no carbs for dinner. i just eat abit for luch now cause i need the energy to study. I will revert back after exams and spam train yoga and run. Haha.

Isn’t it wonderful to discover that we are not exaclty what we thought we were? — Lady Danbury from “Romancing Mr. Bridgerton”, Julia Quinn.

Haha. September 30, 2009

Finding it extrememely difficult to memorise history. it seems my brain has reached its saturation point.

the past few days hasn’t been terrible. just a few normal things going on. and the continuous build up of nerve wreaking tension. but besides these there hasnt been much of a change.

i have many ideas on what to do after the exams. probably go out for a little bit of shopping, go out for a little bit of movies. stay home and sleep. and of course the class has had any ideas for farewell too. (although i seriously question their feasibiliy as well as the nmber of presentees there will be). fine. i’ll admit it. i am the one with the problem.

so there are alot yet not tht many things going o. and no matter how much i dread doing it. i have to get back to my history. i will think of even more things to do after the exams. i hope it has nothing got to do with the crowds.

我知道。 September 10, 2009

其实， 我知道这一切都只是我一个人的爱慕虚荣。 我也知到，我体内的所有感触，在漫漫的化为乌有。

他不爱我——莫文蔚 September 1, 2009

刚刚在听莫文蔚的歌， 感觉特别有感情。尤其是这首歌。歌词很好听，也让人很感动，至少我是这样觉得的。

他不爱我
牵手的时候太冷清
拥抱的时候不够靠近
他不爱我
说话的时候不够认真
沈默的时候又太用心
我知道他不爱我
他的眼神说出他的心
我看透了他的心
还有别人逗留的背影
他的回忆清除得不够乾净
我看到了他的心
演的全是他和她的电影
他不爱我
尽管如此
他还是赢走了我的心

 

my very own, dirty little secret August 29, 2009

i am starting to love this song from the all american rejects. i find it really funny.

but not forgetting owl city. his songs are really good too=)

i dunno why but these few days, i seem to be particularly interested in the word secret. and i just realised that the books i am readin now all have the word in it. first one, ” The Sumer Of Secrets” by martina reilly. havent finished yet, but it is quite an interesting book. the next one, “Season of Secrets” by sally nicholas. i found this book in the children’s section. but i got interested in it because i saw my friend reading it. sometimes it is good to go back to good old times. and the book “Secret”, is written by ju zi. chinese book, also a famous jay chou chinese movie.

its funny.

i think i am quite an open person…i dont really have alot of secrets…ok, maybe i do. but those are extremely private and confidential and only a few people know them. if not, people dont know them at all. but i am not intending to say it. so there really is no point.

today is another fulfilling day. i finished bio sia, worksheet sf1 and the teacher’s day presents. going to finish up my geog homeowrk and other stuff. lols i love today.

also bought another shoe the other day. i absolutely love it. it is not another pair of boots.

haha.

我的领悟（二） August 29, 2009

没错。但是这一次，比上一次的领悟，重要几百倍，严重几百倍。

曾经有老师通过一个故事，一个狗被主人冤枉的打死的故事，教导我们一些道理。 老师说要知道不要看表面下定论， 要多问一个“为什么？”。 老师当时告诉我们这个故事时， 我以为自己已经深深地了解，并且不会去犯那种错误。

但是，我是真的错了。错得很离谱。

今天，放学后，我到Orchard ION 去买教师节需要的东西。本来已经很烦躁了。 要搭巴士到地铁站，再走一段路，再回来，再搭巴士回家。真的很烦。但是， 上了回家的巴士时，坐在我对面的那位男生就让我更烦！ 他把书包放到旁边的位子，然后把脚伸到我的脚旁边。坐姿让人看了超级不爽。我当时一看，心里就开始生闷气。我一直在想，这男生怎么这样啊？难道他就不知道，书包占的那个位置，是给人坐的吗？！而且还做到我的位来了？！ 。。。还有好几次差一点就想要翻他白眼。

后来就有好多人上车，他还是没有让位。而我也就不再理会他，虽然还是很想破口大骂，但是我忍下来了。我不知道为什么。

坐了差不多一个小时的车，那位那男孩终于要离开了。我当时就松一口气，至少我不用看着他，生闷气。我本来是向窗外望着的，但是那位男生叫司机停车，我就转回头来看了。可就在我不想去理他，快把我的头转回来时，我发现那男生膝盖上包扎的伤口， 再定睛一看，那男生竟然是一拐一拐的走着路。 我突然明白这是怎么回事了。也突然感到非常惭愧和抱歉。 我怎么没看清楚才下定论呢？

原来那位男生的膝盖受伤了，他根本没办法弯自己的脚，所以才会伸脚到我的位子来。书包也是因为没办法拿才会放在另一个位子的。他“跳”下车后，一拐一拐，慢慢的走着。我向他的背影投去抱歉的眼光。 

我是真的很惭愧，这次的教训，会牢牢记住。

我的领悟 August 20, 2009

今天不知道为什么，突然之间有了很多的领悟。我虽然害怕孤独，但是我坚强面对。我决定，从今以后，找个方法回馈社会。我想要去做义工。

我决定不要再沉浸在可怜自己的状态中。我应该要看到，比我更可怜，更不幸的人。我这样的泰度，算什么？ 根本没办法接受。我怎么现在才发现阿？哈哈。

我不害怕。想来就来吧。这是命运，我不像逃避命运。

今天做了蛮多的东西的。功课也做得差不多了。还好。。。

心情突然之间变得比以前轻松。我知道以后会更好。我会努力的继续努力。终于读完了《跨过千年来爱你》。我很感动。真的。

今天在用电脑时，他竟然和我说话了。虽然没有多久就下线了。 那天我在巴士车站看见他。我没有等我们可以共同搭的巴士来，上了我平常搭的巴士。把目光从他身上移开，掉头走的时候，我心里象砰的一下，完全炸开了。炸掉了所有以前的感情，炸掉了所有的一切。感觉有点烧烧的，但是还是轻松了很多。我终于告诉了自己，把这一切都放下吧。

所以我现在是个自由自在的人。虽然没有非常亲近的朋友，但总有一天会找到的。我深信。

今天的星星，特别多，特别亮，你发觉了吗？我看着深蓝色的天空，决定踏出我的下一步，走下去。

ndp 2009 August 9, 2009

it is national day once again=) but the difference is, i totally forgot about it. for some funny reason, i just cant put that fact into my brain that it is our country’s birthday again…and the thing is, i think it is like that for many ppl. i mean this year’s ndp wasnt such a big affair like past years…and it only started advertising like last month. when in normal years they would start like in june or end of may…weird. but anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE!!!

anyway i just did a hell lot of yoga and my whole body is feeling so weak right now. honestly. after doing it i just lied there for half an hour trying to catch my breath. it was soo tiring. i must be lackng practice.

the exams are finally over and it is time to have a break. i mean honestly i am so relieved that i really wasted alot of time this weekend…and it feels really great. i bought a new movie again and i have been watching alot of movies this weekend. i just watched a cinderella story(AGAIN) last night. but it felt so boring this time round since i already know the story inside out. after it came out in the cinemas and i watched it, i sort of got into this crazy craze over it and i watched and watched and watched like literally. i watched it five times a day on average. and watching it again now gets abit boring.

well after the exams i cn now finally take a break. although i still have homework to do…but it is not alot really, just an essay and a worksheet. i already finished the worksheet and im gonna do my essay later.

haha life’s like this.

today i ate: 1.5 pieces of bread and a few small mouths of oreo cheesecake. is tht alot?

i dont know how to feel July 30, 2009

As everything starts to come to an end, i start feeling a sense of emptiness and worry, deep down in my heart. and in all honesty, a tinge of sadness too i guess.

as everyone started crying the other day, i stood in the middle of all the tears, giving out cookies at the same time, feeling extremely out of place(once again). ive really tried very hard to fit in, i am still trying my best, but i dont know whats happening. and i fear i will feel even more at a lost as they depart.

i admired them for their everything i guess. the sec 4s added altogether form a formidable group. thats undeniable. and i admit that when ever i felt left out they were a good source of comfort. because well, they dont leave me out. but what going to happen from now onwards. i havent got time to anticipate this coming, and now tat it is right before me, the fear builds up each day, as time passes and it slowly draws to an end.

issit my end too?

ive tried hard, i really did. and now i feel like crying. i was in too shock a state to cry the other day. now i cry, for everything, the past, present and future.

i wasnt in the position to do anything. and i realised at that point of time how much i was lagging behind. some were outstanding, others blended in with the backgrund while i, stood out like a sore thumb. neither here nor there. and sometimes, when you dont get a single piece of good luck, it just becomes a little painful.

i hope tmr is a better day.

note to oneself: everything is just a game. only by telling this to myself can i continue living.